Depth

when I write a poem about an ex
well, ok. 
men I went on a few dates with
hoping they will read it 
my attempt at controlling
what they think of me
when they’ve stopped thinking of me 
Why do some people think so little? 

I think, 
“What do I want?”
I wonder,
if they question things 
like I do 
If someone who I barely met  
tells me “I’m too deep”
It makes me question 
my?
my...
everything. 
my...
ability to connect 
to give and receive love 
to be worthy of love 
to be worthy of being
who I am 

Who am I? 
I am deep. 

does he look back
at old pictures of himself
doing his marvelous, 
beautiful, broken, and potentially 
not so deep life things
and see the 
stains
on memories 
like I do?
the heartbreak of the people who 
he went on one date with 
I let them make me so vulnerable. 
I’m so vulnerable.
Is that the depth that scares you?

acting invulnerable doesn’t make 
your self  
less 
vulnerable. 

I see pictures of me, memories 
from years ago
remember the guy who, 3 dates in,
at that time
proved right some insecurity 
about
my self
my depth 

My childhood self forming
internalized voices saying
“Why can’t you be more easy going?”
or “You are too sensitive!”
or “Why do you make everything so challenging?!” 
I’m learning to unbury my self

Do other people get their hearts broken 
by people they don’t even know 
or care about 
like me?
He said I am too deep. 

My fears 
of self 
have nothing to do with 
love 
or partnership
or connection
or him
my poem are about
me
my depth of 
my fears of
my self
I am deep. 

my depth
my superpower 
not yet accessible because 
I’ve never let myself be
deep enough 
to not scare you 
deep enough 
to stand in the pit that is
my self 
my hole of insecurity 
acknowledge 
I am not too deep.
I’m sorry you do not come down this far.