Sad

Sad

I take a cold shower to know what it feels like to be freezing, but without the freezing, but usually I can’t talk myself into it.
“Today isn’t a good day to want to leave my body” I say almost everyday when I consider it.

When human babies feel unsafe, they don’t have a way to deal with the world around them but to dissociate.
I think I have been practicing it a long time, then. I am pretty good at it. It’s a beautiful little trick-this ability to not live in your feelings.
I think I thought that if I can stop feeling sad, I don’t have sad.
Now, I have sad and I have old sad.

The first time in theatre school, when I was supposed to “feel” sadness, I didn’t.
I couldn’t. I don’t know if I ever have before. I don’t know how to be ok, and not feel ok.
I don’t know how to let sad in.

My sadness I locked away in chambers of numb.
Chambers of fixing the problem. Chambers of pretending to not have sad.
Sad tries to be felt in dreams, fears, and seemingly unrelated pains I never allowed myself to understand.
Sad lives in my maladaptive cooping strategies.
Sad lives in my personalities.
Sad lives in my throat.
Sad lives in my art.

Today, I have sad.
Sad that wants to just be felt, acknowledged, seen.

Today- I feel sad.

Sad- meet body.
Body-meet sad.

Sad-meet ok
ok-meet sad.